November 27, 2012
I’m up way too early this morning. I had this dream about Kathy. I haven’t dreamed about her in a long time it seems. For a while it felt like I was the only one who recognized that it was really her coming to me in my dreams. And she wanted me to hold her and just feel safe and comfortable. But then she began to kind of freak me out because she was no longer in my sleeping life but she was kind of haunting me too. I would see visions of her and she’d kind of follow me around. That, along with the shadowy guy, who is either like a ghost or an omen or the Grim Reaper, were kind of making me feel for a while that I wanted these other worldly beings to just get the fuck away from me, stop trying to suck my life because they don’t have any. Kathy killed herself and I felt sad long enough. Now I feel angry because I don’t understand why she would do that. Essentially it’s pretty selfish. Because you end your pain permanently, and leave it behind for everyone else to suffer, permanently. Yet, the pain was probably never permanent to begin with, though now it is. We all have pain and we work to get past it. It might stay as pain but it’s a different kind of thing. It’s just a dark piece of yourself that fits into the puzzle of who you are.
So anyway, I’m up early because Kathy was in my dream and it woke me. Lauren was there beside me sleeping and she has a very low, monotone snore that’s kinda cute. I put my arms around her and woke her as I fingered her and kissed her neck and we had sex. Then she went back to sleep now I’m up, wrapped in a blanket and drinking wine. It’s about 7am or so. I have to work in 5 hours and that kind of sucks because once I start drinking, I can’t stop. I’m already done for. Geesh this is all kind of melancholy crap, let me end with a funny story.
My name is Wall Grimm and this is my funny story that doesn’t involve drugs, sex, or alcohol:
I met Emma officially at a McDonald’s when we were 14. She was with all her girl friends and I was hanging with the guys. Emma’s group were popular girls, kind of clique-y, but Emma’s not really clique-y by nature. My friends were kind of a cross between the group that knows everyone and is at every party and the group that people were afraid of. I noticed her and thought she was beautiful and what do you do when you’re a kid and you want to get some notice or something but you’re not sure what to do? You get up from the safety zone of your table and you ……walk by. Yeah, it’s the walk by. Girls do it, guys do it. Girls try to look hot, which doesn’t take much effort when their audience is a bunch of 14 year-old horny kids. Guys just try not to fall on their faces, hoping maybe to look cool in the process of not falling on their faces. Well I’ll be honest, I looked cool. Until I fell on my face. Then all the girls laughed. Turns out it was some stupid jock who tripped me though. Then he and his friends and my friends and I got in a fight. We brought it outside right away, and the girls followed out to watch. They seemed unsure whether they should be scared or think it was awesome.
Then I heard the cops in the distance and we all took off in different directions. The guys did anyway. The girls figured they wouldn’t be in trouble so they were going back inside. Emma looked concerned. I asked her if she wanted to come with me. She asked me my name I said “Valente Grimani” because I didn’t change it until I was 18. She said that since I had such a cool Italian name she’d come with me and thought I also seemed chivalrous. Then I knew I was in love with her and I’ve been in love with her ever since.
I grabbed her hand and we took off up the hill in the woods behind McDonald’s. We ran down several backroads until we got to the park. Then we sat on the swings and that’s when we became best friends. Only friends. And we very rarely mixed the company of our friends. When we hang out, it’s usually just us two and it’s always been that way since this first night.
And that’s my story. Ok so it isn’t funny, but it didn’t have sex, drugs, or alcohol in it. I forgot to mention the violence.