January 27, 2013
Ok now I suppose it’s time to explain what happened with Emma. I don’t want to write about it really because it’s painful and embarrassing. I don’t remember how long ago it happened but for a while, Emma was pissed off at me and I wasn’t sure why. Well recently I found out why from Jeff who was with me the night in question. He may have known that I’ve been bothered by Emma being pissed off, but I’m not sure he did. I don’t think he was fully aware what came of the incident that fateful night.
Jeff and I were really messed up on coke and whiskey. I mean, we probably should have died. That’s what Jeff said. I am completely blacked out of the situation and even after Jeff’s description I don’t recall it at all. I wonder how much of my life I’ve lost from black outs.
I don’t know exactly when it happened, maybe November, I don’t know. But I guess we were real messed up and I professed my love for Emma to him. He then convinced me to do something about it. It was about 2:00am then. We were oblivious. We went to Store 24 and bought cigarettes, sparkling grape juice, a bag of Lindor chocolates, and a bouquet of multicolored daisies. I also got a necklace that I thought was so beautiful at the time but it was just a pewter crescent moon with a glass spherical full moon on a black cord. Two moons, yeah, I’m not sure about that. I think I read that the Earth has more than one moon, but whatever, I’m sure this necklace making place has no idea about that. Anyway, this was as romantic as I was able to get under the circumstances. Then we went to Emma’s house. We were knocking on the door and calling.
She came down with her roommate and upon opening the door, she started shouting at us. Emma’s a very professional and responsible person, so she doesn’t tolerate this kind of thing. Apparently Jeff was concerned that I’d jeopardize any chances of being with her if I told her my feelings at that point so he told her that it was he who was in love with her.
I was so stupid, thinking he was fucking me over, and started to fight with him, but fortunately I was incoherent so Emma didn’t know what I was mad about. She just knew I was shoving him and being hostile. She said that she was calling the police and not to ever come back again.
Jeff said the roommate affirmed that Emma was going to call the police. We took off before the police got there. So that’s my story about Emma, and this is why I need to reach a different place in my life if I’m ever going to pursue her. It’s nuts because my love for her has destroyed our friendship. She was my best friend for 9 years. Now I’m behaving like a twelve year old in love except instead of just being goofy and annoying, I’m being a drugged and drunken buffoon. I like to used words like buffoon that nobody uses anymore. I think it’s cool.
Ok here’s a Gary Oldman quote, my first Gary Oldmanism of 2013. My first Gary Oldmanism in my new journal.
WALL GRIMM’S GARY OLDMANISM:
“I don`t think Hollywood knows what to do with me. I would imagine that when it comes to romantic comedies, my name would be pretty low down on the list.”
I think this applies to me too. Because what I’m going through with Emma is hardly funny, and if there is any romance involved, it’s the most pathetic romance in existence. What the fuck is wrong with me? I’ve got some of the most passionate blood in existence, Siciliani Romani, I’ve got no excuse. It’s also hard to romance someone when you’re fucking a hot slummer. First it was Lauren, now it’s Sweetheart.
Pete told me that I should just play gay with him, then Emma would forgive me of all my behaviors, thinking I was struggling with coming out. Then he added, “Hot girls love gay guys.” He said he has more attention from hot women than he’s ever had in his life. They flock to him now. As crazy as I am, I considered it, but I don’t want to get her attention through deception. Also, if I get high enough I might kiss Pete while getting caught up in the facade. I’m not gay, just sexual, and if I’m high enough, whatever feels good, feels really good, and I’m prone to accidentally allowing myself to be groped. You know, when your eyes are closed and someone’s rubbing your dick, and you’re really high, it feels pretty good. So I need to be careful about that kind of thing.
Now I want to hear the Gorrillaz “Feel Good” so I put it on really loud and begin to dance in the living room. It’s 7:00am and Pete’s asleep on the sofa and Sweetheart is in my bed. But soon they get up and join me and we just dance our cares away to the Gorrillaz on this fine Sunday morning.