I still think of you sometimes and hate myself for doing so each time your image penetrates my brain I want to vomit I want to break things I feel pain and anger and I despise you I hate that you impacted me and years later you continue to trigger this anguish don't you get so arrogant and convince your pathetic self that it is a power over me rather you should be grateful that I am protecting you from the evil thoughts I have about you since their energies are what hold the power and have the ability to destroy you I hate you and I may never forgive you and even though I still think of you at times and these thoughts impact me like the rape of my mind you should be thankful that I have control over my response to the violation and otherwise keep you safe
“Pathetic”
05 Tuesday Feb 2013
Posted in POETRY
Have to learn to not let this person rent space in your head. Be assured. they’re not fretting over you. Holding on to resentments is unhealthy say the therapists and the anger is obvious here . But it hard esp if you are Sicilian like me. It’s DNA programmed. What do they think one has – a “turn off the resentment” switch? But I have moved past obsession with getting even and that’s a start. If we fill the space with delightful things, the bad is forced to vacate or at least begin to evaporate.
Well there you go, I’m Sicilian lol. But actually you know, it’s not as bad as it sounds. This person does come into my remembrance on occassion and then my reaction is loathing, then I quickly send the thoughts out, without obsessing. I don’t really suffer. This poem is more of a expression of those few, brief moments of fleeting memory that can be invasive at random moments. You know, natural triggers that bring them back, just as any memories happen, good or bad. So it’s less obsession, less vendetta, and rather those natural recollections that are less pleasing than others. Yet everything you say in your consultation and support is absolutely true, no doubt, and I thoroughly agree, paesano mio.
Wow-ie!
Hate is such a powerfully charged emotion that we would do well not to over use it / simplify it, for example when people (and when I ) say..Oh I hated that movie! When I catch myself saying that now, I’m going to tell myself “Seriously? Hate? Uhmm..no..you don’t even know what Hate is, so stop thinking that you do!”…hehe.
I know, it really is. And I remember the first time I thought that. When I was a kid, my parents were having a discussion and I remember my father saying “I don’t hate anyone, hate’s a strong word.” And it made me think. I never forgot that, and I don’t use the word frivolously. So this is one of those poems where I decided to go deep and be honest, and admit to this human feeling. Letting it out without actually causing harm. Honesty happens quite often like that in my poetry ;)
This one breaks my heart.
Aw well I’m sorry, but I’m curious to hear more about that if you’re willing to share?
Because someone is loved so much they are hated. Without intention they violated the mind of the one left behind.
True, but what if they knew they were harming the person at the time, without regard for the inevitable consequences the person would suffer?
Powerful!
I think a lot of people (including me) have someone in their past like that.
I was thinking so myself, glad I’m not alone! lol
Wow….that really struck a chord. Very powerful and well done.
Thanks so much! So if it struck a chord, then you relate to it?
It immediately reminded me of my ex husband. Your words completely summed up my inner rage for what I went through, but my ability to rise above that rage and not rip him to shreds with my words.
Well I’m glad you understand the part about being able to rise above, because it is definitely in there, and I’m also glad you also have been able to rise above :)
Me too. Oddly enough, the post I am working on for tomorrow is about slaying that dragon. It’s an emotional journey just putting the words down.
Well that’s the best way to heal sometimes, isn’t it ;)
It’s very cathartic.
Definitely!
I am glad that you don’t go through this every day. It sounds very painful. Lately I am gaining some understanding of why someone was so cruel to me. They, of course, have no idea but I feel more peace in being able to see how weak they really were/are and their awful behavior was not about me… it was about their own fear and failings. I just happen to be in the line of fire.
Blessings ~ Wendy
Yes that is a difficult thing to realize, that it isn’t personal, it’s something the person lacks or suffers from within himself or herself. Then people are victims of another person’s trauma or low self esteem. Recognizing the patterns helps to break the cycle. So that’s great you’re aware of that, it had nothing to do with you at all. And internal validation and acceptance is more important than the external :)
intense and powerful, you brought out this piece magnificently in spite the hatred showed in every lines…
Thanks so much, it’s just a different sort of emotion and intent which I very rarely express in life or even in writing unless its through a character. So it was pretty amazing to just release some of these feelings openly, accept them as real and honest. And though they are intense, they don’t consume me, rather it is just fleeting moments they slip in and out of my head. Thanks for commenting!