February 19, 2013
Yesterday, I took a cab with Sweetheart to a hair salon and dyed my hair blue. I don’t know why. Maybe because I don’t need to try so hard to be responsible and mature anymore since I don’t have a chance in hell with Emma. It’s kind of liberating. I am less scrutinizing of my choices. Now I can relax and do whatever I want, whenever I want, without fucking caring what anyone else might think. So I dyed my hair blue. I had to do it at the salon, Sweetheart told me, because my hair is really dark so a professional needed to strip out the color and then put the dye in. So I got it cut a little shorter too. I figure if I get sick of it I’ll just shave my head.
I went to work with my blue hair and it seems to intimidate people. I guess I look like a trouble maker. I kind of like that because then people just leave me the fuck alone. I only cause trouble for myself though and I’d never hurt anyone else unless they started shit with me or a friend of mine. I’m more of a retaliation fighter, I don’t start shit.
Like that Dickhead at Emma’s. I pushed him and he shoved me back. I think if it hadn’t been for my leg I might have had the chance to get right back up and punch him in the face a few times. Then I could have gone up to talk to Emma without his interference. But the way I landed, with my feet at the top of the stairs, and my head on the pavement, it was pretty awkward. I hit my head kinda hard on the pavement too so I was a little dazed. Also, the strange thing was, I wasn’t pissed off like I normally would be. It was like some kind of deep resolve and acceptance. It had nothing to do with this guy, it was about Emma. I just kind of felt broken hearted and sad, because it finally sunk in that it wasn’t meant to be. Then I felt hurt that she thought so little of me, she couldn’t show me the respect to talk to me about these things face to face. Then anger did come, but it was more of a frustration kind of anger and it was targetted toward Emma not Dickhead. So anyway, I just left and I left the shit there, and I don’t know who found the card, but it snowed a little since then, but it also melted.
In retrospect my pride was injured by Dickhead too. I could have kicked his ass if my mind didn’t get in the way and get so quickly preoccupied with all the factors surrounding the situation.
But whatever. I’m bored with all this bullshit so I’m moving on. So I dyed my hair blue and I put on Subhumans while I was working. They’re my new favorite band. They’re from the 80s I think, before I was born, but they’re real punk anyhow and fucking awesome. But I think that kind of freaked some people out, so Sharly was like, Grimm you can’t listen to that shit here, even though it is cool. So then we agreed on Muddy Waters because I got the blues real bad. But in a good way. I have a philosophy about that.
My name is Wall Grimm and this is my philosphy about The Blues:
WALL GRIMM’S BLUES PHILOSOPHY
You know sometimes the blues are bad because then you just kind of become broken and remove yourself from life either figuratively or literally. Other times, the blues are just what you need to have a personal evolution. As you absorb your experience, and give it time to become a part of you that’s significant and honest. The Blues help me with that, because listening to that stuff just puts me where I need to be energetically, and in my mind, like rain on the day of a funeral, it’s so perfect. I don’t need to feel emotional pain because it just seeps out into the music. You hear the blues and you’re just like, yeahhh….I hear ya man.
So I agreed to the Blues and I can go home later and listen to punk which will adrenalize my frustrations and make me feel invincible. But Sweetheart doesn’t like punk so we’ll probably just listen to the Grateful Dead, who are cool too, but eh, not my mood really. I like all kind of music, mostly.
Anyway, so Sharly expressed concern about me. She wants us to go out on a date tomorrow night after work. Well, it’s not a date, since she’s way older than me and a lesbian, but she wants us to go have coffee after work so we can talk. I was thinking that sounded awesome, because she’s pretty cool. She couldn’t go last night, and she can’t go tonight, so it will have to be Wednesday night. She said, if I can wait that long. I said, “I’ll wait until the end of time for you baby.” And she laughed. She loves when I say shit like that. I amuse her.
Anyway, so I dyed my hair blue, and I have the blues. And for the past few weeks the sky has been very hazy, but lately, blue sky is emerging more and more. Spring is coming and I have a strong sense of change ahead. Maybe some hard change, but in the end, it will all be good.