, , , ,

Refer to the FAY Index page for a chronological list of posts and their shortlinks: http://wp.me/P2DnTA-ko

An immense throbbing generated from the solid numbness in my thigh.  It was not quite a pain, yet still, it awakened me from the oblivion of my unconsciousness.  I felt exposed while I was tied and I struggled to break free.  I could hear sounds from my mouth like an animal.

The lights were blinding me, it felt cold and damp like a basement.  I felt a gnawing at my thigh like rats eating my flesh.  I remembered a loud noise like a gunshot and I remember there was a lot of blood.  I passed out at the sight of the blood and then I awoke there.  I lifted my head to look down and see people dressing my wound.  It seemed they tended to it and gave me stitches.

It was cold there.  Dark from my blurry vision and blinding lights, and damp because I felt wet and cold, wet but unclean.  I sneezed, which must have startled some of the people, for they backed away.  They were like rats peeking out at me from behind their masks.  Sensing the flesh and blood of my wound.

My hair was dripping but I didn’t know if it was sweat or blood.  It must have been sweat.  I felt like I was being devoured alive.  I didn’t know why I was strapped down in that bizarre place away from the people I knew.  I was five years old and I didn’t remember how I got there.  I was afraid.

Upon my release from the “observatory,” and ever since then, I have never wanted to know what happened.  Three years had passed before I was able to speak.  To this day, when my nerves take their bearings, I am all too likely to stutter.  As well, I try to avoid any prolonged eye contact at all costs.

I slip into remembrances now and again, my thoughts leading me astray for various lengths of time.  Of course I’m aware that it’s irrational to believe it possible to erase years from the psyche of a child, but what the psyche hides from the adult mind will always stay hidden unless there is a trigger that discloses it to the conscious.  That is precisely why I have no choice but to find Fay and take her away from her own trauma, to some place so new, that not only would it preoccupy her from the remembrances, but also compensate for the lost years, in some way, as I am her father, I would go through…hell…and back to keep her safe and happy.

I must face the hell my mother showed me.