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“You’re always doing this. It isn’t to violate you, it’s for your own safety, and ours. The things we do cause you fear. We can’t control that. But we have a purpose for everything.”
I wonder who “we” is when the raven and the black serpent nurses appear. I hadn’t heard their approach neither had I noticed a sign that he had called for them. Although, of course, I can’t turn my head. They stand on either side of me and begin to molest me. It is a violation and at first I go agonizingly flaccid, but it doesn’t take much time before my penis is harder than it was before.
I close my eyes and try to fantasize that I’m with my imaginary love of my life, and all is good, and she is hot, and not wearing some freaky mask. My shirt is pulled up to my chest, presumably to clear the way for when I ejaculate.
Janus says, “Doan, if we don’t ease up the blood flow in the area, you could hemorrhage, and we are limited in our medical supplies. This is not a sexual assault but a medical necessity.”
What I want to know is why he even fucking cares what I’m thinking this is. I’m so conflicted with my understanding of his intentions. One of the women tells him to shush because he’s distracting me. I recognize her voice and begin to wonder who she is. I know her. I’m certain of it.
I’m slapped in the face and I open my eyes. She is the raven and she leans over my face and says, “Pay attention. We haven’t got all day.”
I wonder why this is so difficult for me, but I’m distracted, afraid, confused, concerned about Fay. I have no idea what’s going on; I’m tied down and being sexually assaulted regardless what Janus says, and essentially I’m not aroused. It’s just adrenalin that caused my erection. And how am I supposed to ejaculate when my thoughts persistently jump back to the fact that once I do, I’m getting castrated. I begin to ignore the sensation and let my mind wander off into distraction. In my mind, all distraction is externally manipulated ideas since I don’t know what is real, what my memories are, or whom I happen to be. But I slip into my recollection of the car accident. The memory is yet another violation as it forces itself upon me. The vividness of the recall nauseates me and pulls me from my body. I am there, slipping through my mother’s blood in order to extract myself from the car. I wanted to save her, but I needed to get out first. As I found myself lying in the road in a pool of blood and antifreeze, I saw her head. Her mouth spoke to me. Her eyes pulled me into a realm of darkness that clouded my mind with terror, and ravaged my soul. My mother’s decapitated head propped upon the yellow lines, mouth moving, eyes gazing. I know she was conscious. The way she looked at me, and she blinked. She blinked and now I distrust myself yet again. I thought she said “Save Fay. Save Fay. Save Fay.” Yet now I believe she may have been saying. “Safe. Away. Safe. Away. Safe. Away.”
The black serpent leans over me and looks me in the eye. She has beautiful green eyes, and they express genuine compassion. She says, “Please trust us, we are trying to help you. We’re aware that you’re confused, and before we explain anything to you, this must be accomplished.”
It sounds nice and plausible but these are the people that tortured me, I think, if that actually happened. She runs her hand through my hair leaning over me as I imagine a mother would do to a sick child. Her tenderness relaxes me and I decide, what the hell. Whatever is going to happen, it seems a little skewed that I’m mentally fighting against being jerked off. I set aside the violation. I cast away the fear. I think briefly of Fay and determine that the longer I hold off preventing them from doing what they aim to do, the longer it will take to find her. It’s not like I have much choice. So I relax and allow it and within a couple minutes I ejaculate and I feel like I’m going to suffocate as I breath so heavily from the ecstasy of it. Pleasure rages through every vein in my body and the euphoria eases me. The resistance of my muscles against the binding ceases. My humiliation no longer exists, as I settle into a false state of pure contentment.
They clean off my stomach and chest as Janus says, “This will hurt Doan, brace yourself.”
And I think, you asshole, can’t you just let me bask in this feeling for a bit before you cut my balls off.