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October 29, 2013

On Sunday I thought more about how I block my abilities, so I decided to go to the park and people watch for a while.  I wanted to practice turning it on and turning it off at will, so that I could block without thinking of it.  I like the ability to be more aware of what’s going on with other people, but I want to filter it.  I want less detail.  I don’t want to invade privacy and there are some things I just don’t want to know.  I didn’t take Gary Oldman (II) with me, because I didn’t want any distractions.

I sat there and it was kind of cold, but the thing about centering yourself like that, you build up this energy, basically your life force, and then you are warm.  It’s called Chi, or Prana, but I like to refer to it as Ka, which is Ancient Egyptian.  I also like to call it Numa, as it’s called by the Strega, the Italian Witches, but mostly I like Anima.  When I was a kid my mother used to call me Spirto, because I had a big soul, old soul, strong spirit, or I was very spirited.  She called me that basically for all those reasons.  She’d call me Valente Spirto when she was mad and Valspirto when she was amused.  She hasn’t called me that in a long time, because I changed my name to Wall.  So she struggles to call me Wall or Grimm and occasionally calls me Valente.  The Spirto never has the chance to come out.  I guess I’ve been blocking in that way too.

Anyway, when you focus, the energy just raises up, and it’s like you’re in this private realm that nothing can penetrate.  Yet you’re not trapped within it, you just feel balanced and calm, and you can freely interact with other people without disturbing it.  The more energy you build up, the more draining it can be, it’s just a matter of the strength of your abilities and how much practice you’re in.  For me it’s easy to do it, like I never stopped, and doesn’t drain me at all.  In fact, getting into that realm only took me about two seconds.

I’ve been blocking, but this energy you can also use when you’re angry.  People usually know when I’m pissed off and this energy kind of keeps them away from me.  It’s strong enough for them to sense the ‘fuck off’ kind of vibe I guess.

So yeah, I digress, after I was in my realm, I began to observe different people.  I saw a couple old guys on a bench.  I couldn’t hear what they were saying but they were having a quiet, congenial conversation, and they laughed a lot.  I knew that they were both widowers.  One of the men, his wife died last year.  The other wife died a couple years before that.  The first wife died of cancer.  The second wife died in her sleep of natural causes.  She had been in a nursing home, because she kept falling and he was afraid he couldn’t take care of her.  He hated doing it and believes that she would still be alive if he didn’t put her there.  But their kids stepped it and it was overwhelming with all sorts of decisions and everything was so fast and it seemed like so many people were talking all at once most times.  He tried to focus on what was best for her, but…

I was really getting lost in it.  Partly this is why I blocked it.  It can be distracting and can prevent me from direct interaction with people, while I get lost more and more deeply in other people’s worlds, delving into personal histories, seeing it all clearly like I’m reading a novel.  Anyway, I was about to get real deep and then a woman and her baby walked by.  Instantly I knew that something was up with Sweetheart and Valentina.  I ran all the way home.  It’s kind of awkward running in my Stepping Wolves, but I did it.  And when I got there, I saw Sweetheart half way down the street walking away from my apartment.  She had Valentina in the snuggly.  She was wearing a backpack and carrying the diaper back strapped over her shoulder.  She was fucking leaving me.

I made it to my front door and I yelled “Elaina!”  I never call her by her name but I did not feel like calling her Sweetheart at that point.  She turned and said she needed to leave.  I told her to “get over here” so we can talk.  She said no.  I said “get the fuck over here right fucking now.”

She walked over and told me she was leaving.  I said that she can’t just leave, that’s not fair, it’s my baby.  Then I said she can fucking leave if she wants, I don’t give a shit, but leave the baby with me.  She said no and started to walk away.  I told her to get inside so we can talk, but she said no.  I grabbed her by the arm and pulled her over to me.  She pulled away and started walking again.  I grabbed her again and I said get the fuck inside.  The baby started crying.  I opened the door and by keeping a grip on her arm, I forcibly moved her in.  Then there was the security door and the apartment door, both locked, that I had to contend with, all while I was just trying to get her in so we could talk.  There was no way we could figure this out if we didn’t talk.  That’s all I wanted.  I just knew for a fact that if I let her walk away, I’d probably never see my baby again.  And I was furious.  I can’t believe she was just going to fucking leave without talking to me first, no note, nothing, just like after she found out she was pregnant.  And she has the fucking balls to come back and I’ve accommodated her, and taken on the role as a father, and she was just going to leave again.

Anyway, we struggled for a good half hour during the entire process.  She was telling me to stop, I was hurting her, I was scaring her, and the baby was crying, but I only was grabbing her by the upper arms and kind of using my body to block her in while I unlocked the doors.  I wasn’t trying to hurt her or be so physical but I had no choice.  We needed to talk and getting her inside was my only opportunity for that.  And I was especially careful not to do anything that would hurt the baby.  I felt bad that the baby was crying and probably scared.  I wanted to hold her and tell her she was safe, but everything that I wanted to do that was peaceful and rational, Sweetheart fought against.

Once inside, she ran to my room, slammed the door and locked it.  I began kicking the door and shouldering it and I have to say it looks much easier in the movies.  It also appears easier on the body in the movies.  Since kicking it was sending shock waves up my legs and I bruised up my arm and shoulder pretty bad.  During the process I was shouting that she can’t lock me out of my own room and I only wanted to talk.  But I finally busted the door in, and Sweetheart and the baby were crying and Sweetheart said, “no Grimm, please no!” in this desperate voice as if I was going to kill her.

And it was at the point that the door bust in and they were crying like that, that Pete walked in with the police.  He didn’t bring them, someone called, he just let them up, figuring whatever they were there to investigate had to be some kind of a mistake.

But writing this is pissing me off, so I’m going to set my journal aside for a while until I can clear my head and finish my story.

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