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November 12, 2103

My mom told me that a long time ago when a sitcom would have an episode that touched on serious and mature subject matter, they would say at the beginning that it was a “very special episode.”

Well you Invisible Journal Reading People, there is some very special content today.

My name is Wall Grimm and Invisible Viewer discretion is required.


First thing, now and then I go through a phase when I don’t write so much in my journal, I guess I’m going through that now.  I think mostly I’m just too preoccupied, not very happy, apart from Valentina.  The best thing that happened this week was that we got the blood work results which proved that Sweetheart and I are Valentina’s biological parents.  Anyway, I’m going to skip all last week and go right to Sunday afternoon.

Valentina was at my mom’s who volunteered to babysit to give us a little break.  I get breaks when I go to work, so it was more for Sweetheart.  My mom’s confused and thinks we’re this couple, but we’re not.  Anyway, Sweetheart was sleeping in my room, I was lying on the couch reading but kind of falling asleep.  Pete said he was going to run some errands–get milk, cream, sugar, coffee, other stuff, and pick up some Chinese food.

I put the book down and decided to sleep.  I was wearing boxers and a t-shirt.  Now, my preference when I’m hanging around in my own home is to just be in bikini briefs, but not anymore.  Now when I’m wearing them, Sweetheart will kinda sexually harass me which feels stupid to say, but it’s annoying.  Especially since I’m trying to avoid a sexual relationship with her.  Except a couple times she gave me a blow job, but she offered and that’s hard to resist.

Anyway, while I was drifting off to sleep, she comes out in some lingerie thing and sits on me and says “hi.”  I didn’t say anything, but she began to rub her hands on my stomach and chest up my shirt and she says, “you’re so hard.”

I just said, “…uummmm…”

“You’re body.  Since you’ve been working out so much.  You’re hard.”

I kind of nodded, then she squirmed a bit and laughed.  She looked down and ran her finger on the tip of my dick.  I was hard and my dick was kind of peaking out from the top of my boxers.  I figured she was going to offer me another blow job.  But she said that she wanted me to fuck her and to fuck her really hard.  She told me to slam her so that she could feel it in the huge vagina she has after giving birth.  Then she slapped me, which was stupid and confusing.  But she was moving around on me and then ran off to get a condom.  It really is like a switch.  Dick/brain dick/brain dick/brain.  She slapped me, brain kicks in.  Then she grinds a little and runs for a condom, dick takes charge.

She comes back, pulls down my boxers enough to put the condom on me, then she slaps me again, harder than the last time.  I was like, “the fuck you’re doing!?”

She tells me that the night the cops came, my aggression and forcefulness turned her on.  She said it was sexy and powerful.

“….ummmm ok…so that makes you hit me?”

She said she was trying to get me to hit her back.  I laughed which annoyed her and she slapped me.  I said for her to stop because I wasn’t going to hit her.  But I did flip our positions and got her pinned down with one hand, and I started tickling her with my other hand.  I hate tickling honestly.  I hate being tickled, so I never tickle other people, or at least not longer than for a few seconds.  But she was annoying me, and watching her squirm was hot.  I didn’t do it for very long because one of her straps snapped and exposed her tit.  So I started licking and sucking her nipple.  I released her hands and moved to lie half on her so I could finger her while I did that, but she was already really wet.  We fooled around a little more until we were both crazy hot and then I got on her and started to fuck her and she begins to push me away and say “no stop, please no” very realistically.  I stopped and moved away and said, “I’m sorry, what did I do?”

She said she was playing and to come back.  I said I didn’t like that, but we started again.  I’m slamming her, then she starts up with the no, please don’t crying and pushing me away.  I stand up, put on my boxers and head to the kitchen for a drink.  She grabs me around the ankles and says “please fuck me, please, don’t stop, fuck me Grimm.”  And, ummmmm, dick switches on, “duuuhh okkay dokkay”

So I go in for more, she starts squirming and fighting and pulling my hair saying, “please, no, please stop” and I just grab her arms, pin them down, keep fucking her and I say, “just shut up already and enjoy it” and of course, Pete the Master of Timely Arrivals walks in.  He enters just as I say that, and then I go on to say, “it’s no fun for me if you keep fighting.”

Pete’s such a hero.  He pulls me off of her and tells me to get the fuck out.  I was so confused by the whole thing, I did.  I got dressed, packed up a bag of shit and left.  Sweetheart didn’t say a fucking word as Pete sat with her on the couch with his arms around her after he wrapped her in a blanket.  I was too confused to push the matter or defend myself either.

It was so messed up.  I don’t understand it.  She was acting like I was raping her and of course that’s what Pete saw when he came in, and I was just trying to have normal sex, because she clearly wanted sex.  I was just trying to get her to stop the play acting, but now that I’m away, it feels like I did something wrong.  I keep going over it again and again in my head and I feel ashamed and confused and I just can’t place how I feel.  I’m naturally dominant sexually I guess, but that doesn’t mean I like to force a woman to do what she doesn’t want to do.  There’s a difference.  And even if she’s asking me to play a game, well it felt real.  I just don’t understand it.

Anyway, so I took off, got on the train, went into Boston, and I’ve been at the hostel for the past two nights.  I haven’t called anyone, and I’ve ignored all phone calls.  Well I did call in sick with Sharly.  And yesterday we weren’t having Blues Monday, because it was Veteran’s Day so the guys were going to see some veteran friends and go to celebrations.  They invited me, I said I’d show up maybe, but I didn’t.  I wanted to because I wanted to honor the veterans, but I just walked around Boston aimlessly instead.  Kind of did the Freedom Trail, but with a half-mind and half-direction.

I don’t know when I’m going back.  The thought of going back makes me sick.  I don’t know if Pete knows the truth, and I’m sure I can get him to believe me if he doesn’t.  It’s Sweetheart.  I don’t want to see her.  I’m sick of her.  I want her to get out of my life.  But I don’t want to lose Valentina.  So I don’t know what to do.