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November 21, 2013

Sunday I decided to listen to my phone messages.  Everyone called more than once.  There was mom who was concerned.  There was Pete, who apologized and said that Sweetheart explained everything to him.  There was Sweetheart, who apologized and begged me to come home.  There was Danielle our DCF caseworker, who called every day.  There was Iona, who wanted to know if she did anything wrong and why didn’t I go to her if there was a problem.  Then I was texted by Paula, Ayla, Danika, Jay, and Jeff.

Then there was the call from Dave.  He leaves this voice mail asking if I still had the curse on him.  When I was in the process of calling everyone back, I decided to call him.  I told him to leave me the fuck alone because he’s a stupid douchebag and does stupid shit, so the curse stays.  He said, well what if some people came and convinced me to lift the curse.  I was like, “how would they do that?”  He said maybe they’d break each bone in my body, one by one, until I decided to lift it.  I said, that sounds like harm coming to me, so even their coming with the intention to harm me would activate the curse you fucking idiot, that’s stupid, see? stupid shit.  He was like, “oh yeah.”  Dumbass.

I called everyone else back too on Sunday.  But the DCF worker I called on Monday.

Iona has such a low self esteem it took a lot of convincing that I just needed time alone and it was no reflection on her that I didn’t go to her.  I told her I went to Sharly because then I’d be guaranteed responsible and actually go to work.  Also, Sharly is kind of like a friendmom, someone who has a good balance between roles.  She also doesn’t confuse those roles with being my boss.  I have a lot of respect for Sharly, she has solid boundaries and always seems to react to me in the perfect way.  She also seems to know me better than many of my friends even, somehow.  Iona couldn’t understand that Sharly’s is a safe place for me, anywhere else, the way I was feeling, I could’ve gotten into trouble.

I called my mom, reassured her, and texted my friends and Paula.  I made amends with Pete and Sweetheart, though it’s hard not to be aloof with Sweetheart, but I have to be congenial.  I really missed Valentina anyway, so it’s good I’ve been with her again.  Monday morning I went home with my shit, then went to Blues Monday.  After Blues Monday I called Danielle who wanted to have an appointment with me and Sweetheart.  We met with her Tuesday morning before I had to go to work.

She was not happy that I took off.  I didn’t say much, but Sweetheart was going on about this story that I was just visiting a friend in Boston, but I forgot my phone at home, it had only been a week.  Danielle decided to let it slide, but she wants us to go to family therapy.  Family, even though Valentina’s only a baby, because we’re not a couple, so we need to work together to create goals that would strengthen our ability to be proper parents.  It seems like an inconvenience, but I’ll do what I have to do.  Maybe it will help me strengthen my priorities.  I mean, I know I was pissed off, but essentially I shouldn’t have left town or avoided contact.  I should always be accessible because of Valentina, and she needs to be my priority, not myself.  I probably should have just gone to stay at my parents’ or Sharly’s straight away, then maintained contact and spending time with Valentina.  So yeah, I learned a lesson.  I was just confused and ashamed and couldn’t get my head around what happened because it really sucked.

Anyway, Sweetheart said that Valentina missed me.  I didn’t believe her, because I didn’t really think that she would notice I was even gone, but Danielle verified that babies notice, and care, and these are the subconscious years, so it’s in her psyche now that I tend to take off when I can’t figure things out, or when there’s a problem.  I run away like I used to when I was a kid.  I need to grow out of that.

We start family therapy today.  I don’t know if it’s obvious to anyone how hard I really am trying.  I guess I’m just kind of impulsive.  I react with passion and my nomadic nature kicks in.

I think I’m going to choose theme songs for my journal entries.  Today’s entry has two songs.  “Midnight Rider” and “Soulshine” by the Allman Brothers.  Absolutely perfect.

 

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