November 26, 2013
One of my favorite movie quotes is spoken by Robert DeNiro from “Taxi Driver.” He says, “I don’t believe that one should devote his life to morbid self attention. I believe that someone should become a person like other people.”
Now I know this is coming from a character of questionable vigilantism, the kind of guy lacking in social skills so severely that he honestly believes that taking a classy lady to a porn film on their first date is a good idea. However, it makes sense. I wouldn’t say that I’m morbidly self-obsessed, though I do have this internal world that no one sees. It’s an intense world that overwhelms me. I’ve been trying lately to learn to be a better filter of my abilities to know inside of people, and I think that’s a big part of my problem. I think since I started blocking, it isolated me, I lost my place, and a lot of my problems began. It made me less guarded, less aware, more self attended. So I’ve been working on a balance and the ability to filter, but during the process, until I master it, there’s a lot going on inside me.
Anyway, essential I want to be normal, like other people, and I don’t feel normal.
I’ve made amends with everyone, but I just get this sense of expectations and/or disappointments, as if they just want me to be one way that I’m not, or different from what I am, or just be myself, but shaped to their liking. It’s like getting in a relationship, they love you, but once they get involved with you, they try to change you, especially the things they liked about you to begin with.
But I want to do some normal things and enjoy life, while avoiding irresponsibility. So I decided to spend a little time with Hasty. She accepts me as I am, no matter what I say or do, and yet somehow she miraculously seems to care about me at the same time. That’s an usual balance where I’m concerned. I think so anyway. We have fun together, and it’s just easy. It also helps that she’s married, since we’ve got the sexual boundaries in place, so again, no expectations, and it’s just pure friendship. It’s kind of impossible being friends with girls without the sexual tension. I mean, of course if Hasty wasn’t married, that would change things, but she is, so I’ll shut up.
I switched around my schedule, by the ok with Sharly, so that Hasty and I could go into Boston and spend the night in a hotel room. This was Friday night. I wanted to stay over night because we had somewhere to go in the evening, then we could go out to eat or something. The next day we could do something else, then head home. She didn’t know my plans, she only knew to pack for overnight.
We got into Boston early, before check in, but we went straight to the hotel anyway. Conveniently, our room was ready. She asked what the plans were, so I told her we were going to see Blue Man Group. She was so excited but said she wanted to go shopping to buy something special to wear. Then she said since the hotel had a pool, we needed to also get her a bathing suit. I said I didn’t bring a suit either, so she said I had to get one too.
The next day we were going to go to the Museum of Fine Arts, before we would head home. She was so happy. I think she’s the only person I can make that happy. It makes me want to make her more and more happy until she explodes from happiness. Well, I guess I don’t really want her to explode.
We went shopping. I hate shopping. But it didn’t take her as long as I expected. She wanted me to get a speedo, but I hate them. If you get hard, which I tend to do when I’m around half naked women aka women in bathing suits, there’s no hiding it in a speedo. I ended up getting speedo shorts, which still leave nothing to the imagination, but somehow slightly more than a regular speedo. We decided to spend the rest of our time in Boston speaking in accents. I chose Italian, of course, and Hasty chose English. With the Italian accent, for some reason, I felt more comfortable in the speedo.
After getting all her stuff, we went back to the hotel to order up room service while Hasty waxed her legs and feminine parts. It took about an hour with her in the bathroom for most of it, while I watched tv. She had to get all smooth so we could go swimming before going to see Blue Man Group.
At one point, from the bathroom, I hear her laughing hysterically and shouting “oh my god, oh no!” Of course, my curiosity was peaked.
And so shall yours be, Invisible Journal Reading People, because I have to cut this story short because I have some shit to do before I go to work, but I will finish the story of my day with Hasty later today.
The theme song for this journal entry is “Sing Along” by Dave Matthews & Blue Man Group. I’m not a huge Dave Matthews fan, but this song is fucking cool. And listen, Invisible Journal Reading People, for my theme songs, lyrics are always important. Keep that in mind.
Hasty is a character based upon herself at http://hastywords.wordpress.com/